Etin is going to write a science fiction. I'm trying not to check ello. All of the people on the other side of the table are in control. They shamed me away, but I don't really like most of them, so why would I want to be there. And this is fun for me right now. This seems more advanced. I was feeling like maybe I was looking for a shift. I had one foot out the door already.
I just need to remember to keep loose. Keep it flowing. Keep my brain in the frequency where it can receive the still small voice of the holy ghost
Sometimes my breed of science fiction has me taking the place of Agent Mulder or Agent Dale Cooper.
I don't know if I'm losing my mind or gaining it. I'm listening to Et's music. The Swans. I like some of their stuff but I don't like it as much when the girl sings. It reminds me of the baba ganoush Ilil got. She told me to try it and I told her that I didn't like it. I had never had it before. I didn't even know what it was made of.
"Eggplant." she told me.
I just want to make her proud. I want to do something with my writing. I am so sad. Etin says I'm empty. I don't know what my friends think of me.
You guys know the way I work. You guys are seeing the struggle. I tried describing what I am doing to my brother in law at the Mexican restaurant. It was named Móle. It's an investigative journey. The killer is loose. The grail takes on many forms. Galaxim says that if I want to be 'bloody eyeball' famous then I need to stop writing loosely veiled journal entries. Just like Etin. 100 tiny bluebirds says that I am the fairest of them all. The fact of the matter is that I invented 'bloody eyeball'. 'Bloody eyeball' famous is nothing but for me.
Lilli says she misses coyote. I hardly even talk to Piper anymore. Lirp thanked me for telling Lilli that she needed money because Lilli made a donation to her Outlook email account. Lilli is our patron of the arts. She is our Gertrude Stein. She probably hates Gertrude Stein. I am tired of people hating people. I like Lilli and have been thinking of her naked recently. She is my number one attraction at the moment. Her and that Jennifer girl from the party who had a spot on her face and was a florist.
"I set up a Patreon account." Lirp said.
"You're welcome." I told her.
I'm tired of people trying to be clever. I'm tired of people trying to be interesting. I'm tired of other people. The only people I like are my audience who like me and praise me and feel something from and what I do. My struggle. I want to show the world. I want to be powerful. I want to be interesting.
I can hardly even play Destiny anymore. My back hurts so much. Nerves are being pinched or something. I'm tired of people asking for money. How do famous authors do it? How did Hemingway do it? I want to be interviewed on television like Jack Kerouac. I am the fairest of them all. Ruth told me so. She is a hundred tiny bluebirds.
I figure today's task could be the constant learning. There are a few things I need to do though. I need to clean off all the torrent files from the pink computer. We received another copyright infringement letter in the mail from the internet company. Musette is sad that I am not planning on writing another novel. Maybe she would be happy with Etin. Maybe he could please her as a succesful author. Another thing I have to do is work with json. I'm going to try to get the bibles document chronological. Am I wasting my time? Am I going to save my wife? Give her the break she keeps asking for? When is my big break? Oh yeah, it passed when I screwed everything up on ello and got shamed away.
One of Lilli's other friends is fed up with etin's behaviour. Lilli says she has to make a network for us. One with features. I want to kill myself but can't. I am much too much a coward for that. I figure this is the next best thing. Just letting the brain flow naturally. Fuck her with prowess, listening to her body. Let the television play as I walk connected with my spirit to the noose.
I don't want to read. I don't want to watch shows. I do this. This is all that makes me feel good. This is me clinging to hope. That is why the pit is Hell. That little sliver of hope.
I carried my other brother in law's backpack for him. He told me to be careful with it as there was expensive stuff within. I banged his tripod against a brick wall. He said it is okay. He is on the other side of the camera. Not just a male model. But he is still auditioning for shoots while in New York. He is a personal trainer and is going to Thailand, his plan being to accompany business people on their trips, part of their entourage. He will provide personal training and they will fly him from place to place, paying his expenses.
This is how I'm going to do it. I'm just going to document evertying. Like how I am waiting forever for this computer to load up so that I can delete the files from it. It's trying to open up control panel notifications. I just don't want another copyright infringement letter. I can't handle having the internet shut off. No more X-files. No more shows to walk past on the way to the noose while fucking my wife the right way.
I did it. Over 500 documents going into the recycle bin. Burning the files. Don't want no FBI finding anything when they come up in here.